Over and over in my life I have found that my subconscious is three steps ahead of my conscious self.

So, what am i thinking and feeling? I guess I'll know in a couple of days when my consciousness catches up to whatever currents, rip tides and other phenomena come into view. My best guesses:

It’s hard sometimes to assess if my feelings and thoughts are a little on the melodramatic side and then I consider the reality of not having breasts in a world where they can get you a free drink ( not for many years and alas only offers from men and I am a lesbian), and the reality that I may be sick for a while...at best.

Physically I'm all over the place. I felt very good after three days of juicing only to wake up the next day feeling like someone had hijacked my will, soul and a whole bunch of other things I can't name, I just know they're gone. My side hurts and my somaticizing talents have been putting on the show - it's in my liver perhaps one voice says. No, it's in your bones -another. I read that juicing can, because it is detoxing your liver, actually make your liver hurt. This is the explanation I've decided - today - makes the most sense. I would hope my liver would shut up for a while now that I've given it its own special day topped off by a coffee enema. Used for a long time coffee enemas have been shown to help the colon and liver detoxify - ironically by getting them all hyped up. And no, if you're wondering - it does not otherwise stimulate one or for that matter the people around one. Thank the gods for Virginia's sense of adventure! And, no, one does not fart wafts of freshly brewed coffee smells. The whole thing was an enormously humbling, embarrassing and ultimately a feel-good (ultimately I say!) experience.

Psychologically I am ok. I did the best when I had some time off from work and could spend hours thinking, feeling. My first student I see at work is a survivor of brain cancer who has recently begun to worry that the cancer is coming back. My job as a therapist was perhaps more difficult that first day back and the parade of people through my office that are attempting to attend college while being hungry, homeless (2 different students), in an abusive relationship, and just plain depressed - although my bread and butter was difficult to swallow this week. Today I am in a better head. The vissictudes of this are the strangest and hardest part to get used to - I'm not complaining and I'll take the ups and downs that are starting to feel as regular as my breathing.

I work at a college and the lingo is setting in – words like retention and persistence. I am on the Retention Committee and part of thinking abut retention of students – keeping them here for the duration – means helping them persist when some of them just want to quit. I was so taken with the concept of helping people persist through a challenging time for them that I have a marquee on my computer screen that says “The intent to persist leads to persistence”. Well, it is my intention to persist and I hope that means I will persist.