Tomorrow's another day

I'm not entirely sure why I have dreaded writing this new entry. Maybe because I have had a major reprieve and don't want to jinx it by thinking any more about cancer. Or maybe I am just avoiding. Actually, I can't really avoid. I wish I could. Everything is better than the last time I wrote - I am less fatigued, the pain reveals itself in new layers everyday (a rib's pain hidden by a larger global pain pushes to the front today for the first time) but is somehow manageable even without any pain medication - even Tylenol. I am starting to adjust to the stiffness I feel though I am also challenging it everyday with stretches accompanied by winces. The thing that doesn't seem to be progressing is accepting the now strangeness of my body. I was unprepared for how I would feel looking at my chest - it now looks vaguely prepubescent and as if I had been attacked by a shark. For those of you contemplating your own bilateral I include a photo below. I hope I do not offend anyone, and I know there are plenty of photos on-line for the curious but this is my chest and a few of you have asked me to post the photo - the rest can look away I suppose. I know the impulse. When I thought of my medical leave I can't tell you how many things I thought i would accomplish in the time off. I am trying to play catch up in an online grad course relevant to my interest in learning communities but this is all I have been able to do. I am less tired but there is something caught in my cogs and nothing wants to move and certainly not without a lot of coaxing. I have been assured that I am doing well, that I am a great and fast healer and I try and impress the surgeon and his nurse every week with my ability to bounce back but it's really more of a ... show. I am once again having a hard time gauging the internal stuff but perhaps the general anesthetic was more general and more anesthetizing than I originally thought. Going to go to the gym today and just walk the treadmill. Juice,a salad, some homework, a little tv (god I hate myself) and bed. Tomorrow's another day.