December 27, 2008
To state the obvious – I don’t want to die. I have invasive well-differentiated ductal cancer. I have written these five words about 100 times since I received the information over the phone the day before Christmas eve. I know a lot more than I did given that I knew nothing before and now know what the stuff looks like. It looks pretty ugly in the cross section slide I saw on-line. This black mass surrounded by pink, white cells. I’ve been trying to think all my thoughts and not just the ugly ones and not just the happy ones (these by the way are few and far between) and have been trying to picture the cancer as caviar. A deposit of special stuff that not everyone gets to sample. There is a part of me that honestly believes that this could be a blessing in a one hell of a disguise. I have lost my way and have known it for a while. I haven’t heard myself clearly in years and it has gotten easier and easier to turn the tv or computer on and not explore my brain, my soul anymore. I have felt immeasurably sad about this so maybe this is my chance…
I am 51 overweight, smoked for about 30 years before quitting about 2.5 years ago. I have no family history of cancer. I am the first. I am a canaryjust back from the mine and reporting back - trouble.
Today not so much optimism…a lot of breast pain. I want to go to the gym and do some moderate aerobic exercise but I have this image if cancer cells breaking away from the major tumor and migrating elsewhere because of my body’s movements. Creepy and nothing helpful online for what I’ll probably find out is superstitious –like.
I read through my contract and I am ineligible for the sick bank as I haven’t been at the college for 2 semesters yet. I am also ineligible for Family Leave because I haven’t worked there for one year. So, unless I can count on the humanness of my new employer and work out some different work routine or schedule I will either lose my job or keep my job until I can return but lose all of my income. Shit.
Fears
Lose my job
Die
Feel sick all the time
Go back in debt
Antidotes to fear
Can probably do some part-time distance counseling if necessary
Can use vacation and sick time – go part-time maybe
Worst of everything will be over in 6 months
Can cash in my retirement
Can sell time share to support myself during time out of work
Can take out a loan to cover living expenses
Will be healthier when worst is over
Will be wiser when all is over
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