I Hope Cancer isn't Going to be My New Hobby

It’s been an interesting few days. Slept well a few days after the initial diagnosis then 2 nights of no sleep. The first night I couldn’t stop thinking – more accurately worrying. Last night the wind howled on the third floor and I was afraid the roof was going to come off. It didn’t. And I haven’t lost my job, gone in debt or …died. It sure is hard not to catastrophize when you’re in the midst of a catastrophe though…

Tomorrow I see the surgeon. I am already convinced it’s a grade 1 stage 3 cancer. My breast hurts and now the left breast hurts. I have always been a gifted somaticizer I remind myself…and the fatigue I am feeling could be no sleep, the emotional intensity of the last week or my poor diet. The pain under my right arm an overactive imagination working on what a lymph node might feel like if it’s clogged with black cancerous cells.

I am prepared for the moderately-priced worst news. I am hoping for stage 1 or 2. Of course I am terrified it’s stage 4. I coo to my breast words like “love” “peace” after reading a very interesting article on how water reflects our consciousness which follows after my blog entry. I have eaten only organic vegetables, fruits and products and now add to my list of fears poverty through grocery shopping. I am not eating sugar, sworn off my dirty martinis and researched dirty vs. clean foods. I’m hoping cancer doesn’t turn out to be a long-term hobby.

My colleague and friend at the college counseling center has been a wonderful resource, my sister and brother-in-law’s caring have floated me and my partner Virginia’s love and can do attitude have made the last few days bearable. Boy do they have their work cut out for them starting tomorrow!


Miraculous Messages from Water
How water structure reflects our consciousness
by WellnessGoods.com
http://www.life-enthusiast.com/twilight/research_emoto.htm

Inital Diagnosis and reactions

December 27, 2008

To state the obvious – I don’t want to die. I have invasive well-differentiated ductal cancer. I have written these five words about 100 times since I received the information over the phone the day before Christmas eve. I know a lot more than I did given that I knew nothing before and now know what the stuff looks like. It looks pretty ugly in the cross section slide I saw on-line. This black mass surrounded by pink, white cells. I’ve been trying to think all my thoughts and not just the ugly ones and not just the happy ones (these by the way are few and far between) and have been trying to picture the cancer as caviar. A deposit of special stuff that not everyone gets to sample. There is a part of me that honestly believes that this could be a blessing in a one hell of a disguise. I have lost my way and have known it for a while. I haven’t heard myself clearly in years and it has gotten easier and easier to turn the tv or computer on and not explore my brain, my soul anymore. I have felt immeasurably sad about this so maybe this is my chance…

I am 51 overweight, smoked for about 30 years before quitting about 2.5 years ago. I have no family history of cancer. I am the first. I am a canaryjust back from the mine and reporting back - trouble.

Today not so much optimism…a lot of breast pain. I want to go to the gym and do some moderate aerobic exercise but I have this image if cancer cells breaking away from the major tumor and migrating elsewhere because of my body’s movements. Creepy and nothing helpful online for what I’ll probably find out is superstitious –like.

I read through my contract and I am ineligible for the sick bank as I haven’t been at the college for 2 semesters yet. I am also ineligible for Family Leave because I haven’t worked there for one year. So, unless I can count on the humanness of my new employer and work out some different work routine or schedule I will either lose my job or keep my job until I can return but lose all of my income. Shit.

Fears

Lose my job

Die

Feel sick all the time

Go back in debt

Antidotes to fear

Can probably do some part-time distance counseling if necessary

Can use vacation and sick time – go part-time maybe

Worst of everything will be over in 6 months

Can cash in my retirement

Can sell time share to support myself during time out of work

Can take out a loan to cover living expenses

Will be healthier when worst is over

Will be wiser when all is over