My inlaws just left and I am struck with the fact that some people are really and authentically nice. Good folks. Christian, southern, struggling with all the changes that are happening around them in the world and especially in the country's decision to elect an African American as the 44th President. But, struggling and not giving into anger, cynicism. When they said "call us and we'll come up to help" I didn't flinch. I believe they would.

When my mother died July 2007 she left my brothers, sister and I orphans. I am grateful for this other family I have and although I am miles away from being able to ask someone other than Virginia to pat my head or tuck me in or do any of the myriad motherly, nurturing things women can do for other women, I think if I am starting to imagine I can ask for some things.

Anyway, this week's focus:

Doing things I don't want to do.

Unfortunately, after a brief week of hope about my employer making some arrangement for me so I could not have to take unpaid leave the word has been somberly, and with no imagination, delivered to me that staff cannot work from home. My first thought was "tell that to all the adjunct faculty that are paid crap and are absolutely expected to work at home - how otherwise would they be able to teach?". My second thought was, why are administrators so lacking in creativity and imagination and a spine? Third - Damn it! Especially since I know myself and that I wil be home for 4 weeks or so doing all the projects I outlined for the VP and Chair of my department whether I am paid or not. People have offered since I cannot access the sickbank yet to give me some of their sick time but without a memorandum of understanding it cannot happen. I guess I'm angry. and hurt. and wasting energy.

So, number 1 thing I do not want to do - go to Human Resources to sign leave papers and explore disability.

Number 2 thing - go to an appointment tomorrow to be fitted for what is called a soft-tee for women who've had a bilateral mastectomy. I am appalled squared and can't even articulate why exactly. I keep thinking of all those junior high girls who stuffed their undershirts with socks, tissues while I looked with horror at the changes in my body that required no additional emphasis.

Number 3 thing - an appointment with the oncologist on wednesday. I am not looking forward to it primarily because there is not enough information to know if chemo is going to be pushed - although the surgeon already indicated he believed that chemo would be reccomended (another clue that although he cannot know with certainty, he suspects it is in my lymph nodes?). I'm not uncomfortable with hypotheticals in general but this one is a little different... I guess I will tell her what supplements I am taking, ask what the range of protocols includes and conclude with a question about Chemo Lite and if there is such a thing. I have already decided to seek a second opinion once the surgery is done and the extent of the cancer is understood. I keep hoping that I will experience Apoptosis and my cancer cells will pack their bags like the musinex cartoon characters and just leave me the hell alone. I have so dramatically altered my diet and routine that I do believe this is in the realm of possibilities. No sugar, nor alcohol, water to the point of bursting, vitamins, Juicing, maintaining my rather unambitious exercise regimen, and the ocassional coffee enema.

Number 4 thing - Blood tests, xrays, and assorted other preoperative tests on thursday.

Number 5 thing - the ensuing surgery on the 21st that will render me breastless.

on the bright side The Eagles and the Cardinals won.