Well, the anger has subsided a bit – the further I get from the computer and googling everything imaginable, the better I seem to feel. My sister sent me The Cancer Report which is helpful. I have begun to think a lot about forgiveness and my extreme internal judge that has little mercy for anyone if aroused. I have also found Going to Pieces without Falling Apart helpful for it’s normalization of emptiness and the idea that emptiness is the place to begin, a tool and not something to fill with whatever one finds at hand. I bought this book like many of my other Buddhist centered books about five years ago and now I am, of course wondering if this is when the cells started to meet and plot against me.

The most depressing things I have read so far – and probably what spread the fire that nearly burnt me down 2 days ago:

• I can have my lymph node(s) negative for cancer but it could still mean that the cancer has metastasized ( "metastasized" misspelled was caught by word check – creepy).
• If I elect to have chemo there is absolutely no guarantee that it will kill all the cancer cells. And, those that remain will be stronger, resistant to any additional chemo and…presumably angrier.

Shit.

And Piss.

I am thinking of doing coffee enemas and must hurry to the drug store so that I can give my immune system all the advance notice I can before I assault it with surgery …and…possibly chemo. Despite my anger at the people who are making money off my misfortune I have ordered the very pricey Sedona Method. It has, after all, a money back guarantee – good for up to 6 months! The humor potential here is nearly impossible to resist but resist I will as I feel that anger again creeping back.

It has now become my pattern to wake up an hour before I would normally get up for work and think, worry a bit, and catalog the things that have gotten stopped up in my soul. I think of the photo of me and remember my sister telling me I was such a sweet baby – so open. I include before and after pictures for your entertainment.

Not so fast.

Not so funny.

Something terribly wrong happened – the kinds of things that go wrong for billions of people on earth – I wasn’t held enough, I wasn’t cherished, people hurt me, I hurt people, and so on. I wish I wasn’t one of the ones to have to pay the price - there are so many of us the odds should have been in my favor.